Man, I bought your book, but I afraid to start it because your posts surface so many things buried inside me. Every week I'm just sitting here and re-evaluating my life. Never read anything that feels "it's about me" until I found you. Thank you.
Go ahead, Tamas. Read it. News doors open when we're ready to heal. This book could be that door. It's time for your to become who you were always meant to be.
This is so pressed human emotions inside communication pouring and laying out here in as a paragraph it's a beautiful framework, structured the pride of the emotions itself, so beautifully presented, you have written down excellent!!
I'm quite new to substack, but it feels like I'm gathering with other introverts here and I'm beginning to express my true self more and more. And I feel like that is slowly starting to affect how I feel and express myself in the physical world too :)
I am subscribed to your substack and don't remember doing it. Serendipity! Why because me, I am far removed from being an introvert. But my wife of 53 years has begun to see herself as introverted. Yeah introversion has become trendy, but she and I recognize that this lens is the proper one for her to understand herself. She was a psychologist in a school for "special needs" kids and she's just coming to this particular understanding as a septuagenarian. Better late than never. I will forward this email to her and see what she thinks of it. And thanks. Oh and the other trendy psychological perspective that is trendy nowadays and out there is ADHD. That's me, the quintessential poster child of that particular human condition. Bob Dylan wrote Mister Tambourine man in the early 60s. This was my theme song for almost sixty years, right up to the last couple of years.
Now it is: This Is The End, (The Doors). Although it could be: It's All Over Now Baby Blue, (Bob Dylan).
When I was in graduate school, I took a creative writing course because I knew I would have to do doctorate dissertations, reports soap notes, all kinds of things and I wanted to be able to do it correctly and the one thing I remember my teacher telling me was this: “write which you know deep inside your soul. write what you inherently know without even thinking about it”. Yep absolutely.
Yeah, that's existentialism. Honestly, I am not that deeply connected to the philosophical concept of existentialism (I am not an intellectual)
but the Russians: Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Solovyev, Solzhenitsyn (biased)...I read those guys. Don't know why. Let's not forget Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir, and Albert Camus. In 78 years I read something from all those guys.
I've no doctorate, I barely have a 12th grade education but that's okay. John Bradshaw and S.Scott Peck, they resonated with existentialism. Peck paraphrases Kierkegaard's thought: Life is not a series of problems to be solved, but a mystery to be experienced. I repeat that idea all the time but I understand that in this current culture...Problems have to be solved. I am just not good at that. My wifey sons and my daughter are good at it.
'Born To Stand Out' hit me right between the eyes. It was a can't stop read. What was it that signaled me I was on the right track? Very early in the book I read what I thought others never heard...You just wait until your father gets home. I suddenly relived the terror and anguish that phrase brought me as a little boy. I wished for my father's death in a car crash, rather than face the punishment he would put on me. Nervously watching for his car to pull in the drive. Why did my mother do that? Why would the one person in the world that I sought comfort from betray me so badly, knowing the beating I would receive? Turns out, she feared him also. What a miserable way to live. Fear and severe punishment if you crossed him. Unbelievable I made it out. But the long term damage is incalculable. Thank you for the book. Life changing wisdom.
I'm so glad it helped you to resolve pain you've been carrying for years David. I hope you feel lighter now. Thank you for you kind words. It means a lot.
It's difficult at first to say truths, that before, I held back, and buried. Now as opportunities present themselves, I pause and evaluate my responses and reactions. I consciously try to be aware of the aura I give off. A slight smile, eye contact,being upbeat, telling people that I appreciate their kindness, even telling businesses of the good things they do. I was never a complainer, what good would it do anyway, right? But now I've been trying to find ways to complain the right amount, not hold it in until I boil over in a rage. Saying the previously difficult things that I imagined would alienate those that I cared about.Just this evening I chastised my late brother's son, my nephew, a bit and it was fine, he didn't meltdown or get angry. This will take time, I'll make mistakes, but damn it, I'm going forward, the past has passed. A weight has been lifted. I've read that the longest, most rewarding journey starts with the smallest of steps. So true, there's no time to waste.
Reading this really made me think about how different things can be for neurodivergent children. People with ADHD, for example, are estimated to hear something like 20,000 more negative remarks than our peers by age 12.
When that’s your starting point, it’s no wonder so many of us end up introverted. It honestly feels like more evidence of the system trying to stamp out individualism and creativity before it even has a chance to bloom.
Totally agree. I’m currently reading my childhood diaries which are incredibly eye opening. At the age of 10 I was coaching myself on how to become a different person ‘more confident’ etc. It’s fascinating (yet also really quite sad). Finally starting to find ease with simply being me.
I did that too recently. I used to write song lyrics and poems to process my emotions. My teen self was trying so hard to find the words for being neurodivergent that just didn't exist for girls back then.
It’s a deep dive into the inner child work isn’t it. I keep wondering how I could have been supported better if we knew more back then. I’m deep diving into this topic as I have a five year old daughter who is very similar to me in many ways so I hope to be able to support her as best I can if she is ND.
The fact that you’re reflecting on this now and thinking about how to support your daughter makes a world of difference. Just noticing and validating her experiences will set her up with a safety net we didn’t have.
This landed hard. The way you describe being rewarded for the edited version of ourselves captures why authenticity can feel less like freedom and more like walking around without skin. The competent, calm, 'not too much of anything' one...
The part about becoming a mirror is brutal and accurate. Being misread once and then living inside someone else's story about you for years is exactly how masks start to feel safer than the real thing. That cost is rarely named as clearly as you've done here.
The opening image of second graders also echoed that ache for childhood simplicity. It reminded me of Kero Kero Bonito’s 'I’d Rather Sleep' in the best way. Before we learned the difference between what's real and what's performance, before staying awake meant constant calculations about who it's safe to be.
Really appreciate that you're not selling authenticity as a tidy empowerment slogan. For a lot of us, being a 'true self' is progress and risk at the same time. This makes feeling that fear a lot less ridiculous.
I once was at a camp as a young teenager and watching a cartoon on a projector in the mess tent for some idle time. I love cartoons and animation so was laughing along to it. Then my friend pointed out that the table further down of other kids were laughing at me because of it. And then I learned my interests didn't align with the majority, so I kept quiet about what I liked from then on.
I have a long list of those kinds of experiences, all small and tame in isolation, but they build up together to create the mask or wall I've used nearly all my life. Those moments of me always holding back, always judging everything I want to say before I say it, they have lessened slightly in the last year, it still there and ingrained. I hope my own children are more free to be themselves and not realise too late that they don't have to hide you they are.
Thank you for sharing your heart. Time heals everything. And I'm sure your children will be far more confident because they have a highly self-aware father.
I felt this more than I expected to. It’s rare to read something that makes you feel understood and challenged at the same time. Really grateful I read it.
Man, I bought your book, but I afraid to start it because your posts surface so many things buried inside me. Every week I'm just sitting here and re-evaluating my life. Never read anything that feels "it's about me" until I found you. Thank you.
Go ahead, Tamas. Read it. News doors open when we're ready to heal. This book could be that door. It's time for your to become who you were always meant to be.
This is so pressed human emotions inside communication pouring and laying out here in as a paragraph it's a beautiful framework, structured the pride of the emotions itself, so beautifully presented, you have written down excellent!!
Thank you.
Thank you. I felt this, deeply.
I'm quite new to substack, but it feels like I'm gathering with other introverts here and I'm beginning to express my true self more and more. And I feel like that is slowly starting to affect how I feel and express myself in the physical world too :)
you're so welcome. And welcome to the tribe🤍
I am subscribed to your substack and don't remember doing it. Serendipity! Why because me, I am far removed from being an introvert. But my wife of 53 years has begun to see herself as introverted. Yeah introversion has become trendy, but she and I recognize that this lens is the proper one for her to understand herself. She was a psychologist in a school for "special needs" kids and she's just coming to this particular understanding as a septuagenarian. Better late than never. I will forward this email to her and see what she thinks of it. And thanks. Oh and the other trendy psychological perspective that is trendy nowadays and out there is ADHD. That's me, the quintessential poster child of that particular human condition. Bob Dylan wrote Mister Tambourine man in the early 60s. This was my theme song for almost sixty years, right up to the last couple of years.
Now it is: This Is The End, (The Doors). Although it could be: It's All Over Now Baby Blue, (Bob Dylan).
When I was in graduate school, I took a creative writing course because I knew I would have to do doctorate dissertations, reports soap notes, all kinds of things and I wanted to be able to do it correctly and the one thing I remember my teacher telling me was this: “write which you know deep inside your soul. write what you inherently know without even thinking about it”. Yep absolutely.
Yeah, that's existentialism. Honestly, I am not that deeply connected to the philosophical concept of existentialism (I am not an intellectual)
but the Russians: Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Solovyev, Solzhenitsyn (biased)...I read those guys. Don't know why. Let's not forget Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir, and Albert Camus. In 78 years I read something from all those guys.
I've no doctorate, I barely have a 12th grade education but that's okay. John Bradshaw and S.Scott Peck, they resonated with existentialism. Peck paraphrases Kierkegaard's thought: Life is not a series of problems to be solved, but a mystery to be experienced. I repeat that idea all the time but I understand that in this current culture...Problems have to be solved. I am just not good at that. My wifey sons and my daughter are good at it.
It is Serendipity indeed. Thank you for sharing, Door and Bob are my favorite.
'Born To Stand Out' hit me right between the eyes. It was a can't stop read. What was it that signaled me I was on the right track? Very early in the book I read what I thought others never heard...You just wait until your father gets home. I suddenly relived the terror and anguish that phrase brought me as a little boy. I wished for my father's death in a car crash, rather than face the punishment he would put on me. Nervously watching for his car to pull in the drive. Why did my mother do that? Why would the one person in the world that I sought comfort from betray me so badly, knowing the beating I would receive? Turns out, she feared him also. What a miserable way to live. Fear and severe punishment if you crossed him. Unbelievable I made it out. But the long term damage is incalculable. Thank you for the book. Life changing wisdom.
I'm so glad it helped you to resolve pain you've been carrying for years David. I hope you feel lighter now. Thank you for you kind words. It means a lot.
It's difficult at first to say truths, that before, I held back, and buried. Now as opportunities present themselves, I pause and evaluate my responses and reactions. I consciously try to be aware of the aura I give off. A slight smile, eye contact,being upbeat, telling people that I appreciate their kindness, even telling businesses of the good things they do. I was never a complainer, what good would it do anyway, right? But now I've been trying to find ways to complain the right amount, not hold it in until I boil over in a rage. Saying the previously difficult things that I imagined would alienate those that I cared about.Just this evening I chastised my late brother's son, my nephew, a bit and it was fine, he didn't meltdown or get angry. This will take time, I'll make mistakes, but damn it, I'm going forward, the past has passed. A weight has been lifted. I've read that the longest, most rewarding journey starts with the smallest of steps. So true, there's no time to waste.
I love your confidence. You have come a long way. Keep going.
Astute writing.
Thank you
Reading this really made me think about how different things can be for neurodivergent children. People with ADHD, for example, are estimated to hear something like 20,000 more negative remarks than our peers by age 12.
When that’s your starting point, it’s no wonder so many of us end up introverted. It honestly feels like more evidence of the system trying to stamp out individualism and creativity before it even has a chance to bloom.
Totally agree. I’m currently reading my childhood diaries which are incredibly eye opening. At the age of 10 I was coaching myself on how to become a different person ‘more confident’ etc. It’s fascinating (yet also really quite sad). Finally starting to find ease with simply being me.
I did that too recently. I used to write song lyrics and poems to process my emotions. My teen self was trying so hard to find the words for being neurodivergent that just didn't exist for girls back then.
It’s a deep dive into the inner child work isn’t it. I keep wondering how I could have been supported better if we knew more back then. I’m deep diving into this topic as I have a five year old daughter who is very similar to me in many ways so I hope to be able to support her as best I can if she is ND.
The fact that you’re reflecting on this now and thinking about how to support your daughter makes a world of difference. Just noticing and validating her experiences will set her up with a safety net we didn’t have.
This is true, must remember this 💖
I needed this today.
This landed hard. The way you describe being rewarded for the edited version of ourselves captures why authenticity can feel less like freedom and more like walking around without skin. The competent, calm, 'not too much of anything' one...
The part about becoming a mirror is brutal and accurate. Being misread once and then living inside someone else's story about you for years is exactly how masks start to feel safer than the real thing. That cost is rarely named as clearly as you've done here.
The opening image of second graders also echoed that ache for childhood simplicity. It reminded me of Kero Kero Bonito’s 'I’d Rather Sleep' in the best way. Before we learned the difference between what's real and what's performance, before staying awake meant constant calculations about who it's safe to be.
Really appreciate that you're not selling authenticity as a tidy empowerment slogan. For a lot of us, being a 'true self' is progress and risk at the same time. This makes feeling that fear a lot less ridiculous.
Deep insight, true, very true. Thank you.
another tear jerker…
I once was at a camp as a young teenager and watching a cartoon on a projector in the mess tent for some idle time. I love cartoons and animation so was laughing along to it. Then my friend pointed out that the table further down of other kids were laughing at me because of it. And then I learned my interests didn't align with the majority, so I kept quiet about what I liked from then on.
I have a long list of those kinds of experiences, all small and tame in isolation, but they build up together to create the mask or wall I've used nearly all my life. Those moments of me always holding back, always judging everything I want to say before I say it, they have lessened slightly in the last year, it still there and ingrained. I hope my own children are more free to be themselves and not realise too late that they don't have to hide you they are.
Thank you for your post.
Thank you for sharing your heart. Time heals everything. And I'm sure your children will be far more confident because they have a highly self-aware father.
Oh my!!😮 Your article spoke to me. ❤️ Your article is me!!😄
Which book is that?
When you talked about a category of people not being scared of connection but the cost of it, that really hit home 😔
Thanks a lot for bringing this to light.
Wonderful post
That constant running from yourself, that relentless trying to be someone you’re not - this is where so much of our suffering begins
I felt this more than I expected to. It’s rare to read something that makes you feel understood and challenged at the same time. Really grateful I read it.